Oh Well

People...
It never fells to amaze me how lame some people are. Not all people I did say some. People are so not honest. I wish some people would just be up front from the start. Save yourself the time and bullshit. There is a kid at work..I thought he was cute...So I was going to hit him up. I was slick on break I left my card on his desk and told him to call me. Since he is newer then me at the job he wasn't sure who I was or anything. We started texting and he never calls. Randomly he tells me that he doesn't date people in the work place to avoid conflict but he wants to be friends. Now..when I tell you this kid text a lot ... It's a lot. He tells me he is single and all this stuff...then I randomly call him tonight and some Mexican guy answers and is all ghetto-fied and is like someone from this number called my boyfriend. I was like Um well I think not and hung up. When just an hour ago this kid asked me If I would go to the movies with him on Saturday. Random I tell you. Now I can't wait to be mean to this kid and make him feel like he doesn't exist in my world.

Work is going good. I think I'm slowly but surely getting better. It's not a job I think I want to stick with .... I mean I suck at math and even  the title "Financial Agent" makes me feel a little sick. I will keep it in the mean time but explore my options. I know it sounds really gay but I think I really want to go to hair school. Tony and Guy is opening a new academy right by my house. Women tend to love me and I love to style and gossip so I think I'm going to seek information and do it. I don't think I will ever be satisfied with a job unless I'm happy - or big banking at least.

For the past four night one of my friends Reyna and I have been working out. We do some crazy hills and we jog a bit. It isn't much but I tell you...When you do nothing normally except walk in the mall...this little routine seems and feels like madness. I have so much energy afterwords and I feel great... I just wish it wasn't so freaking hot outside.

It's Time I Passed It On

I've had an interesting week...to say the least...I'm excited a new week is peaking around the corner...I freaken
pray that its better then this last one. So it pretty much starts out at work. We have been going through this intense training process. When you think of what we get paid hourly you think no wonder why...look at all this shit we have to know and learn. I have this book on my desk that I refer to as "My Bible" it's a mess it talks about everything from working the systems to how to send out a repossession team to pick up one of our vehicles etc. etc. this book is huge. Now I'm the first one to admit that it's great having a desk reference to assist you. Keep in mind that it is not great to have a book that is so big and filled with so much information you cannot find anything. We have this system called the dialer - it calls accounts that are delinquent and that have not had contact. So we have a policy that when you have a client on the phone you have to raise your hand to be assisted just to make sure you can close the deal and don't mess up. So I raised my hand and this guy (who I thought was cute) is just listening to this call staring at me..I'm like obviously my call is more important since I have a direct question...well anyway he finally comes over to me and I ask my question well he will not help me...I'm like that's great cant you decide to be a dick when Im not on the phone with a customer that is work. It's funny how someone can be on my hes cute list to making my douche list in just a matter of seconds.

Tim - We have a strange relationship. Friday  night we almost acted like lesbians. We have never really had a real fight yet. Till then...that is. He said somethings that really had me put up some walls. Were ok now...he is kind of funny because he is sentimental...he gave me a four leaf clover that his grandfather had given to him when he was little ( this clover is real ) and he took it to 3 tours to Iraq and to all these different countries and stuff..to Sheriff school and he still has it ... that amazes me... anyway he gave it to me because he believes it brings good luck and I def could use it :) lol

Cowboys start tonight... off to Fox and Hound

I Fooled Myself

So have you ever felt semi comfortable in your skin? like not dressed up but you just feel good
and you look halfway decent....Your getting your drink on a little and your having a good time with friends...then...As it always happens...someone rolls out a camera and start capturing those moments...then the
next day you look back and your like...what the hell? I cant believe I was out like that? Am I really that fat? lol and you think damn you mind for tricking me last night.

Ps: I don't look like this...im working on a law suit with Sony now...I'll own that company by the end of this!
How dare you try to make me take a bad picture.
However, I did meet a new girl that is amazing and I had a good time. So I guess that does matter also.

PS: If you are wondering why I look so white and pasty its because half of the malls in Ft Worth don't carry MAC products so there ya go.

"Our Love Is Like Water"

I had one of the best times I have had in awhile with my partner in crime Reyna. We went to a gay bar...with the intention of just listening to some music and having a few drinks...Well the first place we went to was not poppin so we went to one downtown...hot mess! towards one o'clock it was packed. I ordered a vodka cranberry and the bartender refused to sale it to me...he said it was "boring" ha could have fooled me...whats the term "Got your girl feeling loose" anyway...So I see this hot guy at the bar later on...totally straight looking (which is what I'm into) anyway ... he finally comes to the bar where we are standing drinking everything...and he starts playing with my hair..oh ok...wth.. trust me though I didn't mind. hoe...anyway then he leaves and goes back to his group...at this point im hooked on him...I'm totally eye fucking him all night and he knows. We stare at each other non stop...well then he comes over and whispers in my ear asking me why I'm not on the dance floor with Reyna..Now keep in mind we are dancing and drinking (just at our spots) anyway I was like it's not like that with her...and he asks Reyna if she is gay or bi and then asks me and he introduces himself...This guy would have had to been retarded to not know that I was into him...anyway he ends of asking Reyna if she would let him kiss her wth? He then instantly made my douche list for the rest of the night...the nerve some people have. I do not regret anything an amazing night. And who knew they had a dance track to Justin Bieber haha.

I have a friend that I just refer to as "E"...
Well he made me think earlier after he came over..that some people just have a natural cool...
the way they walk, the way they talk, there interest. I wonder if I am one of those people...I know I'm a social person but natural cool...hum.

Week 2 of work starts tomorrow...
Nervous but oh well the show must go on. I'm sure with practice and time I will get better.

~KP~

In A World

"There was a girl who talked to geese
She understood them and they her
One day she looked into a crystal stream
And saw in its bed a diamond
She picked it up and placed it in her hair
As she did so she turned into a geese
It was then revealed that the other geese
She magically had understood
Were once human like her"

My life is in a strange point right now...To a small extent I actually feel like I have some control over what
is happening. Such a first. The other night I was getting my drunk on a little bit and I had the urge to call Rob...I know I know...I didn't do it. I don't even like him yet I was craving that attention feeling he used to give me. Now...I could go out and find anyone of ten guys that want to just hook up...but yeah...that's not really what I want at this point in my life. I want consistency. Something more then sex and a few hours. Tim is great and everything that I am looking for...I just dont see it as forever...even as much as we pretend it will be. Today I wrapped up my first week at Chrysler...it was challenging...tiring but I think once I get the hang of everything
it is something that I will like. I started missing my mom today all over a car a yellow Mustang to be exact. I'm studying leases and stuff and what happens when someone dies and they have a lease or vehicle purchase and it
reminded me of my moms affairs that we had to try and settle after she passed. Crazy! she was quite a fierce woman that I will always love.

Girl and the Geese

Fresh Meat Coming Through

Today I was off from T-mobile...but I had my orientation at the new place in Westlake. It was fun. I like my manager she seems like she has a lot of positive energy. Which I love in a person. I start the new job Monday. So I'm pretty excited. The building that I will be working in is so nice. There is a cafeteria...It was funny because the four people from the agency and myself were walking through during the tour and everyone looked at us...you could tell that we were new...walking with our guides and folders and stuff. Now...I have never been in prison nor do I plan on going but it is kind of what it felt like. You know...when they let the felons out in the lawn for sunlight..."FRESH MEAT COMING THROUGH" embarrassing...not to mention that my legs refused to work today and I kept tripping on air. Only two more days with T-Mobile... Then the next chapter in my life.  
After my orientation and trip to Wal-Mart (eww)
it rained forever...it was so amazing. We need the rain. Our trees look like they are just wilted from the sun and heat. However, I was not expecting a mini flood. I wonder if I was Noah if I would have just built and Arc or if I would have built like a hella fancy yacht or something for the animals to enjoy. I will leave you with that.

Take Your Time

My recruiter from Chrysler called and said that they were having trouble with my high school sending over my diploma. This doesn't surprise me... I was actually told that if you need anything from the school you have to call one of the office workers on there cell (that's small town for you.) Yeah...That just doesn't work for me. They built a million dollar plus school with shitty phones? I will be so happy when one day I have an assistant that does all of this for me. Anyway...since I need to take in a copy of my diploma when I start Monday I decided I better look for it (I know I saw it somewhere) Now...this at the same time scares me because I have moved like 13 times since graduation lol... Sad I know. Anyway I was starting to panic because I couldn't find it anywhere...I decided to give it one last shot and what do you know I found it! :) I was thinking I might have to plan a unwanted trip to Brady to try and get a copy of it.

The First Of Us

Out of all my cousins (the ones that I'm closest 2 at least)
Bonnet, the oldest is having her baby today! Growing up I was always closest to Bonnet...she stayed at my house non stop, we would bike ride etc. I have no regrets about our childhood. Today her water broke and she is bringing Bella into the world. I am so excited for her. The thing about Bonnet is...she has one of the best personalities in the world and she is so creative. If Bella has even half of her personality she will be one amazing individual (and I know she will be.)
It makes me happy because I know that Bonnet will be a great mom. She has overcome so many obstacles on her own and supports herself...not only will she be a great mom but I would be proud to say that Bonnet will be a perfect role model for her daughter. I wish that I could be there to congratulate her and welcome Bella...but I cant so I just wanted to take a moment and write about these two ladies! I'm proud that I can call them family. Prayers and thoughts lovely girls. Congratulations.

Cha Cha Changes

So I had a interview with Spherion and Chrysler...who does the financing for several brands. I finally got a for sure go...that they would like to have me on there team! I can not begin to tell you how excited I am about this. Over the last two years...retail/sales in general has literally drained me. This opportunity could have not come at a more better time. Perfect. The location of the new job is closer to my home and I don't have to drive on a 2 lane interstate and sit in traffic. I think this is one of the main reasons that I am pumped. :) Man I'm telling you... Don't give up... Pray, be thankful for what you do have, keep a positive attitude and it really helps I think. Thank you God!
Today I went to the mall by myself ... most of my shopping recently has been alone. I am not sure how I feel about this. I bought some stuff for my skin to make me fabulous and that is about it. I also met one of my old friends from T-Mobile...we had a pretty great lunch and it was great catching up with her.
I feel happy now. Only a few more changes left to happen! :)

You Have To Make Changes

And I am trying to make a lot of them. I think a huge problem is that we get to used to the way things are and we don't allow other things to happen. Maybe we shut out stuff that is meant to happen. I know that I do this. I hate burning bridges and I never wish hard feelings amongst or between anybody but sometimes you have to have a stopping place. I couldn't stand the way one friend would talk to me...almost as if we were in a relationship...a controlled one at that. It went on a bit to long. I have been hanging out with one of my old co workers a lot and she is fun and random and we actually do stuff that is fun...I am also talking to a lot more people. I used to find a select group of people then put up a lame wall and never let anyone else in. I want to start doing different and new things. I want to change some things about my life and lifestyle. Today was a great day my sister Jennie came over with the husband and kids and we swam in the pool for a couple hours and got some sunlight...man let me tell you...I'm so used to covering up and fake tanning that real sun made my skin feel funny...haha...then I joined them for supper. I don't have that much family left (that I talk to at least) so when I spend time with them I really do enjoy it. I also cleaned house today and rearranged my bedroom. If there was a word better then heaven kind it would describe the way my room looks! ;)

I'm Kind of A Lesbian

I started watching The Real L Word on Showtime...I'm pretty positive I possess lesbian
characteristics. There is one lesbian Whitney that I completely relate to. When thinking about how I date and "mingle". I love the aspect of a honest, real, relationship. But...the moment that I see it going downhill...I think a back up plan. I can't be left screwed. I truly care about peoples feelings and I always want people to be happy. Lesbians seem happy. It made me nauseous how all these lesbians have like gorgeous homes, a job or career that they love, a partner, and a shitzu or small dog. LUCY! I'm sure it isn't all lesbians but it sure seems like it. I recall going to Sue Ellen's in Dallas and it was the same story with most of the lipstick and manbians there. PS: Manbians - that's what I call lesbians that are more manly acting. :) Anyway I am ready for a relationship. I have been single long enough now. However, this time I won't be doing the entire marriage search thing..that was ludicrous...however I did meet some pretty random and interesting people...and some not so interesting.

FML

I feel that I am in a rutt. I feel I have no creative flow coming from me. I hate this feeling. I have now been with T-Mobile for over nine months. It sucks balls. Since I first started working I have always been in the sales/customer service field...I think it is something that I am good at...I have just reached my point. I hate my job with a passion. When I walk in those double doors I feel the odds are against me and that shit sucks. I asked for a transfer so long ago and still haven't got one yet everyone else moves, I feel like my boss doesn't like me, I dont speak Spanish and I work South side so it makes no sense at all to have me there for that reason alone. RAAAAR! I can honestly say that I try with my sales and use what tools are laid out for me...still it's not working. If I can sale a Infinity to a drug Lord without a test drive...I know something is messed up when it comes to me and a cell phone. I feel like this really is my last month with the company just because I haven't met my metrics. I am ok with this because I don't want to be there. I also don't want to be without a job. I know I can get unemployment but still...I have never been let go from a job...nor have I ever left a job without having a back up job to move right into to. This makes me so nervous. Tim said that he would help me with whatever I needed. I hate asking people for help though. I know you have to ask sometimes but I just hate that feeling of nagging someone or even more I hate the feeling that I would never want them to think that I am using them. Ugh! Wish me luck as I continue to apply for new jobs and search. :)

I Want More Then This

I really believe that everyone controls there own lives. However, I think that there are some things that can stand in your way or make extra obstacles for you. My life is very routine...at least it seems that way. I work, sleep, have some drinks, and talk to whichever guy is in my life at that moment. It is really getting old. I really want to start something more stable in my life like maybe a career instead of just a job. I want to do something that I am passionate about or at least have an interest in. I know that school is almost a necessity to accomplish that thing that they call a career. I'm ok with that. I just need like a life counselor or motivator or something to help me. I know that sounds ridicules. It is so overwhelming figuring out loans, grants, funding, schools, which plan is the best, how to manage both your job and
school...and I know that people do this but I'm a hot mess. I just know that I want something better this this. It isn't bad...I do realize my life could be much worse. However I know that I can do more and I have that type of personality and drive that would really make me do well with something that I enjoy. Ugh I don't know.

The Doctor Says

So today I had to call into work because my throat felt as if it was closing up. Even swallowing my spit hurts. I figured because of the pain and the fact that I would need doctor notes I better make an appointment. I used the Care Now clinic. I like going to Care Now because it is usually a lot cleaner then the basic hospital or doctors office. They have this program called Web Check In... It allows you to register/sign in online and enter all your payment and Insurance information...then when the doctor is ready for you you just go in and you avoid sitting in a doctors office. Kind of nice. Well...they tested me for strep, and mono...both text came back negative...they did some swab test of my throat to send off and they did blood work. It turns out that my throat actually has blisters all down it and even though I do not have tonsils I have tonsillitis in that general area not to mention high blood pressure and bacteria in the throat. Great right! I am contagious so off work until Tuesday. I have a few prescriptions that I get to take one is for nausea..and it is pretty crazy it knocks my ass out fast like within an hour. Anyway I am once again going to bed.

It's Been Awhile

Since moving to the DFW area my allergies have really got much better. When I was younger I used to take allergy shots and every pill possible to man! Now, I am not going to say I have been ill free - because I have had a few crazy spider bites and one case of a staff infection (crazy pain there) but starting two days ago I feel really nauseous and I can't keep food down! my throat also feels as if it is closing up and I gag a lot. This is really random. I hate it. Today at work it was interesting...much like a race and mind game to try and make it through each customer I had...as soon as they left I would run to the bathroom. I am a mind over matter person so being sick really erks my tator.
I think I am going to find some mellow music and relax in the dark. There is a band called CocoRosie - very different two songs I would recommend to start off with is
"Terrible Angels" and "Werewolf." I love when I find music that I can write to or that relaxes me. Creative flow is always welcome with me.

I'm a very easy going complex person!

I like to be really simple and easy going. When I enter something though I like to know where it is going and if it is worth trying. This really pertains to my relationships. I have this new "friend". I really like this person because of the conversation and morals that he holds. When I meet someone new I really put a lot into the vibe that I get from them. I really don't like to rush things but like I said I like to have an idea on what direction it's going in and how involved I need to allow myself to be.
Sex...I love it however to me I like to attach sex to something like a relationship...maybe love...Just something that matters. Have I hooked up before? well of course I mean I am a 22 year old guy in DFW what do you expect...That's not what I want though. Ever since I can remember I have always wanted the soul mate or very serious relationship. There is something about having someone that can be your "person" someone that you can always talk to maybe the idea of growing old with someone. The idea is just enticing. Well the new "friend" and I have hung out a lot it has now been a little over a week - which I know isn't a lot but... We have been intimate and all of that but now I struggle with waiting and now allowing myself to get attached or let it go further until I know what the intentions are. Ugh!
Working in the cellphone/sales industry is a bitch. It really is cut throat. I work in an area that is mostly Spanish and it sucks a lot. I really feel that my boss does not like me. I have asked to be transferred numerous times and she refuses to let me...there are stores much closer to my home where it is less of a language barrier. Then recently she moved 2 of my other co workers that are bi lingual...I'm just like are you kidding me? Each month you have that fear of during one on one interviews that consist of 4 people (strange) if it will be your last. I am constantly looking for companies to send my resume to.

Moms Always Know

Stop fooling yourself. I have met so many acquaintances and even good friends that are not out to there parents or at least there mothers. This confuses me so. I understand that everyone has a time that is right for them on coming out...However I guarantee you that 98.9 percent of the time...your mother already knows. This really cracks me up. I do realize that sometimes it is really hard to utilize those things we have called words but...safe yourself some heartache, pain, time etc. Don't worry about it. It seems like moms weather you are close are not...can just tell and sense things especially if its the obvious. I remember one time when I was staying with my mom in Tyler. I was talking to this guy named Taylor...Head over heels and we stopped I was pretty upset with everything and was in my room crying when my mom walked by my bedroom and goes "we don't cry over men" which now based upon what happened with her is a little contradicting but anyway I'm sure you get my point. I just find this really funny.
Keegan

My Mothers Child

It brings me warmth to have memories of my mom. Certain things that I do remind me of her a lot. If you had the chance to know her you will know that she had a major attitude problem much like myself. :) but at the same time could be the most giving, kind person ever. She could work 20 hours plus then come home and serve everyone else before she would even set down and eat. amazing! She would randomly send flowers just so people knew she cared...you get the point.

As my aunt pointed out - not only do I have my mothers DNA but I was raised by Barbara...this meaning I can be moody, short tempered, snap at any moment and who knows what else..haha! isn't that great. Much like a Pit Bull! CAUTION! :)

Well yesterday (Saturday) I was in such a great mood. I'm not sure what it is but I have become more of a morning person. I feel more productive. Well the day started off great. I have always worked with people whether it is by sales, resourcing, human resources whatever... always around the general public. Well I am in a really good mood and this girl approaches my desk and is wearing Cici's pizza attire...$4.99 buffet is what I am thinking... I am nice to her...I follow our guidelines and ask for her name and how I can help her and to see an id...the customer refuses to help me and won't even tell me her name. At that point she really isn't even a customer if I can't validate her account. She told me that her phone isn't working...This I really don't need to open an account for so I take the back off the phone to check it out and it clearly has liquid in it...I go "miss there is water in your phone...look..." then with a sassy Latina voice and attitude she goes " it's not water ... stupid ... it's oil" HAHA are you fucking kidding me? not only did she call me stupid she is a fucking moron! At this point I try and keep my cool and I get my bitch on in a way that I can't get in trouble with...
It turns out she wanted to exchange the phone and stuff but didn't have receipts - I wouldn't help her but a co worker did. Gah!
anyway while I am there reminding myself of who that attitude reminded me of I started laughing and left early! to finish off a then great afternoon.
I am much like my mother in some ways.

Yesterday I had a date with this kid that I know - well kid he is 21 and I just turned 22...not much difference. There was really a connection that I had not ever before noticed. We ourselves are a lot a like as far as pickyness, habits, the way we think etc. I was amazed. It's fun really getting to know someone. At the end of the night I walked him to his car and he thanked me for letting him come over...
and later texted me "goodnight babe" now in the crazy dating world this could mean so many different things. Now I just have to go with it...wait it out pretty much.
this is the hard part. You must not allow yourself to seem needy or possessive etc.
I often coach my friends, cougars etc on relationships now I just have to follow my own homework. Wish me luck.

Keegan

Life As You Know It

Today was a pretty great day...It's nice to have these every once in awhile. I worked this morning and my boss met with me to discuss my goals and she said that "I am on fire" as far as how I am doing so far! If you know my track record normally...this is amazing that she said this about me. Now I just need to keep it up. I really don't know what I have changed to help get me out of my rut except my attitude and I try to help as many people as I can.
After work I borrowed one of my friends trucks and finally moved my bed (the last of what was left in storage.) I have a slay bed and it is crazy big as far as head board and the foot board etc. A real bitch to move. Over the past two weeks it seems I have been moving my stuff from the storage I rented little at a time. It's really hard to move in a coupe. My roommate Ryan helped me with his vehicle as well...the bed seemed to be the only thing lurking and haunting me and also making me pay rent daily!
Since I was short on time..."time" it always seems to be an issue with me. Anyway...I couldn't wait and get anyone to help me so I did it on my own. Your thinking "oh big deal" yeah fucking right...if you know me at all you know that I am not the most creative person sometimes especially when it comes to moving and packing. I managed to load up the truck alone within maybe 20 minutes. Impressive.
It feels so nice to have my bed back in my new room. and it feels more like home. Yay.
I feel accomplished.
Now I feel I must sleep.

Trusting Your Sig Other

Trust is something that I really struggle with. Especially when it comes to relationships. As I continue to get older there are certain aspects of a relationship
that I just crave. However, I am willing to let those aspects subside because of my trust issues...Sadly I am ok with that. I'm choosing to write about something that I really keep private. My love life...if you call it that. A lot of my friends make jokes about the guys that I date or hook up with. I myself have never really noticed it being an issue until now. I would honestly say that 95% of the guys that I date are married, in the process of a divorce - yet still married, or are in a "serious"-yet not so serious relationship. This happens unintentionally...I promise. It makes me think though...so many of these women believe that they are in great happy relationships when really...it is far from it. Tim - My latest has been the most interesting. I really do like him a lot...and it is mutual...however...I know he has cheated on her with me and even left her...should I then trust him for what we might have. Get what I'm saying? crazy.

I have now stayed in the new apartment for a full week - I think. I love it. I really will have to get used to the traffic...it is madness. Other then that
it is really low key and relaxing. The roommate (Ryan) is so laid back and into music and stuff so he seems pretty cool. Tonight we ventured to Arlington to "try" and move some of my remaining furniture. We had pizza and while there eating we saw a really pale older white man - well his ass literally ate his sweat shorts - of course with help from others I started laughing hysterically. Then shortly after we saw a "special" girl who appeared to have down syndrome run to the bathroom...then she sat right behind Ryan and sharted. He pretty much laughed so loud and later felt the need to vomit in the parking lot. I think the feeling was mutual between the three of us.

What an interesting day to say the least.

Set The Right Expectations

"But I ended up having the ability to appreciate this strangeness I found, an ability to use it for something better."

Since I last blogged... A lot of stuff has changed. I moved out of my last living arrangement, Moved into the new place (for the most part)...So far I have started out this new month at work at a strong pace so that is always a plus.

More on the downfall to all of this though...I called my grandmother again! I know I know I said that I was finished with her. I really tried and had that mind set...but she has just always been there for me and played such a vital role in my life... I hate the abandonment feeling. This is where this blog gets interesting.
As the routine normally goes...she is calm very normal acting...then out of nowhere she is like "Oh so your talking to me now...last time you were here you wouldn't talk...and aren't you going to apologize for exposing yourself to me..." I was like what the hell are you talking about?... Now keep in mind I haven't seen her in over a year. Every time I think about calling her...I know that it is a possibility that the conversation might crash. This time it literally took everything out of me. I cannot continue to go on like this with her.

It reminds me of the way my mom was before things got all messed up. It is like she is somebody else. Not the person I knew at all. That person is gone. The false pretense here is that I keep telling myself that if I don't give up on her...it will with the help of some miracle fix itself and it will be like it used to be. Wishful thinking. I do miss her...But I guess what they say is true. Everything must come to an end at some point. Tonight when I told her that I love her...she didn't say it back. Game over.

On another note...besides some what if's and whys...I think I am happy for the most part. I am at least trying to be. I am really tired of this "glass half full or glass half empty shit."

Over And Over Again

If you have been around me...you probably know that I have a bad habit of doing
things over and over again. I know what is going to happen...Yet I continue letting these patterns go on. Crazy! I don't know why I do it...I guess there is a name for people like me...they call it addicts or some shit like that.
It is really sad totally off subject...Have you ever craved something (not food or drugs) but craved something sad that most people normally get on a day to day basis. Then when you do get a little hint of that need...you realize how pathetic it is...but yet it feels so good to have it you just think Oh well. You do what you have to do.
I did this recently and while it was happening I realized it and it really made me think.
I am fixing to start making some changes in my life. New living arrangements, new town perhaps, new people in my life...less of some of the old ones. Insane! I am also looking at new jobs. I desperately need a drastic job change that is for the better and not the worse. Any ideas? I really need to just own my own store or be a radio dj but getting there is such a challenge when you are already in a rut.
Anyway...I am off to bed! I am really starting to love sleep. All my life I have ran from it and now it is my new best friend.

Don't Listen To What People Tell You

"I really look at my childhood as being one giant rusty tuna can that I continue to recycle in many different shapes."

While at my aunts home the other night...I found out that my grandmother is now out of the mental hospital. I really struggle with this issue. Naturally I want to call her and see how she is doing and let her know that I'm still here and care for her...but at the same time I have this massive fear that it will break my heart more. My aunt Jennie told me that she didn't think that I should call...My "friend" Tim suggested that I should call...oh what to do?
So being me I slept on it. I thought it over...She is now over 60...getting older. I don't want her to die thinking that nobody cared. So I called. She seemed normal at first...it was great hearing her laugh...then it all went downhill...she was talking to people that weren't there...then she was acting as if I was there with her instead of being on the phone. I eventually ended the call when she asked me if I needed to go. I really hate emotions especially mixed emotions.

My birthday is next week. I look forward to getting older...and moving forward.
However it does make me nervous though that this will be my first birthday without my mom and my grandmother... However I'm sure I will be fine! :)
I really wonder what my life will be like when I am 32! I hope I am by that time accomplished and out of the sales industry. My attitude cracks me up...I'm like customers...shit what do they want now! and it seems they always want to talk to you and they expect you to listen...I have learned though how to keep my head nodding and to through out a smile while I zone to this wonderful fast place.