Monday, May 3, 2010
Set The Right Expectations
"But I ended up having the ability to appreciate this strangeness I found, an ability to use it for something better."
Since I last blogged... A lot of stuff has changed. I moved out of my last living arrangement, Moved into the new place (for the most part)...So far I have started out this new month at work at a strong pace so that is always a plus.
More on the downfall to all of this though...I called my grandmother again! I know I know I said that I was finished with her. I really tried and had that mind set...but she has just always been there for me and played such a vital role in my life... I hate the abandonment feeling. This is where this blog gets interesting.
As the routine normally goes...she is calm very normal acting...then out of nowhere she is like "Oh so your talking to me now...last time you were here you wouldn't talk...and aren't you going to apologize for exposing yourself to me..." I was like what the hell are you talking about?... Now keep in mind I haven't seen her in over a year. Every time I think about calling her...I know that it is a possibility that the conversation might crash. This time it literally took everything out of me. I cannot continue to go on like this with her.
It reminds me of the way my mom was before things got all messed up. It is like she is somebody else. Not the person I knew at all. That person is gone. The false pretense here is that I keep telling myself that if I don't give up on her...it will with the help of some miracle fix itself and it will be like it used to be. Wishful thinking. I do miss her...But I guess what they say is true. Everything must come to an end at some point. Tonight when I told her that I love her...she didn't say it back. Game over.
On another note...besides some what if's and whys...I think I am happy for the most part. I am at least trying to be. I am really tired of this "glass half full or glass half empty shit."
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I know how you feel. I've always been the one that hung by mom no matter what. The one that felt responsible. Like there was some freaking holy grail that said the oldest must always take care of the parents. I think part of the depression I've suffered the last 3-4 years has been in letting go. It is hard. She's the only parent I ever had. But you are right, she's not that parent any more.
ReplyDeleteAt some point we have to do what is best for us. There is no one else to take care of us, to maintain our sanity. And there is NOTHING wrong with protecting yourself. And, now I'll get off the soap box - before the damn thing colapses and I break a frigging ankle.