You Have To Make Changes

And I am trying to make a lot of them. I think a huge problem is that we get to used to the way things are and we don't allow other things to happen. Maybe we shut out stuff that is meant to happen. I know that I do this. I hate burning bridges and I never wish hard feelings amongst or between anybody but sometimes you have to have a stopping place. I couldn't stand the way one friend would talk to me...almost as if we were in a relationship...a controlled one at that. It went on a bit to long. I have been hanging out with one of my old co workers a lot and she is fun and random and we actually do stuff that is fun...I am also talking to a lot more people. I used to find a select group of people then put up a lame wall and never let anyone else in. I want to start doing different and new things. I want to change some things about my life and lifestyle. Today was a great day my sister Jennie came over with the husband and kids and we swam in the pool for a couple hours and got some sunlight...man let me tell you...I'm so used to covering up and fake tanning that real sun made my skin feel funny...haha...then I joined them for supper. I don't have that much family left (that I talk to at least) so when I spend time with them I really do enjoy it. I also cleaned house today and rearranged my bedroom. If there was a word better then heaven kind it would describe the way my room looks! ;)

I'm Kind of A Lesbian

I started watching The Real L Word on Showtime...I'm pretty positive I possess lesbian
characteristics. There is one lesbian Whitney that I completely relate to. When thinking about how I date and "mingle". I love the aspect of a honest, real, relationship. But...the moment that I see it going downhill...I think a back up plan. I can't be left screwed. I truly care about peoples feelings and I always want people to be happy. Lesbians seem happy. It made me nauseous how all these lesbians have like gorgeous homes, a job or career that they love, a partner, and a shitzu or small dog. LUCY! I'm sure it isn't all lesbians but it sure seems like it. I recall going to Sue Ellen's in Dallas and it was the same story with most of the lipstick and manbians there. PS: Manbians - that's what I call lesbians that are more manly acting. :) Anyway I am ready for a relationship. I have been single long enough now. However, this time I won't be doing the entire marriage search thing..that was ludicrous...however I did meet some pretty random and interesting people...and some not so interesting.

FML

I feel that I am in a rutt. I feel I have no creative flow coming from me. I hate this feeling. I have now been with T-Mobile for over nine months. It sucks balls. Since I first started working I have always been in the sales/customer service field...I think it is something that I am good at...I have just reached my point. I hate my job with a passion. When I walk in those double doors I feel the odds are against me and that shit sucks. I asked for a transfer so long ago and still haven't got one yet everyone else moves, I feel like my boss doesn't like me, I dont speak Spanish and I work South side so it makes no sense at all to have me there for that reason alone. RAAAAR! I can honestly say that I try with my sales and use what tools are laid out for me...still it's not working. If I can sale a Infinity to a drug Lord without a test drive...I know something is messed up when it comes to me and a cell phone. I feel like this really is my last month with the company just because I haven't met my metrics. I am ok with this because I don't want to be there. I also don't want to be without a job. I know I can get unemployment but still...I have never been let go from a job...nor have I ever left a job without having a back up job to move right into to. This makes me so nervous. Tim said that he would help me with whatever I needed. I hate asking people for help though. I know you have to ask sometimes but I just hate that feeling of nagging someone or even more I hate the feeling that I would never want them to think that I am using them. Ugh! Wish me luck as I continue to apply for new jobs and search. :)

I Want More Then This

I really believe that everyone controls there own lives. However, I think that there are some things that can stand in your way or make extra obstacles for you. My life is very routine...at least it seems that way. I work, sleep, have some drinks, and talk to whichever guy is in my life at that moment. It is really getting old. I really want to start something more stable in my life like maybe a career instead of just a job. I want to do something that I am passionate about or at least have an interest in. I know that school is almost a necessity to accomplish that thing that they call a career. I'm ok with that. I just need like a life counselor or motivator or something to help me. I know that sounds ridicules. It is so overwhelming figuring out loans, grants, funding, schools, which plan is the best, how to manage both your job and
school...and I know that people do this but I'm a hot mess. I just know that I want something better this this. It isn't bad...I do realize my life could be much worse. However I know that I can do more and I have that type of personality and drive that would really make me do well with something that I enjoy. Ugh I don't know.

The Doctor Says

So today I had to call into work because my throat felt as if it was closing up. Even swallowing my spit hurts. I figured because of the pain and the fact that I would need doctor notes I better make an appointment. I used the Care Now clinic. I like going to Care Now because it is usually a lot cleaner then the basic hospital or doctors office. They have this program called Web Check In... It allows you to register/sign in online and enter all your payment and Insurance information...then when the doctor is ready for you you just go in and you avoid sitting in a doctors office. Kind of nice. Well...they tested me for strep, and mono...both text came back negative...they did some swab test of my throat to send off and they did blood work. It turns out that my throat actually has blisters all down it and even though I do not have tonsils I have tonsillitis in that general area not to mention high blood pressure and bacteria in the throat. Great right! I am contagious so off work until Tuesday. I have a few prescriptions that I get to take one is for nausea..and it is pretty crazy it knocks my ass out fast like within an hour. Anyway I am once again going to bed.

It's Been Awhile

Since moving to the DFW area my allergies have really got much better. When I was younger I used to take allergy shots and every pill possible to man! Now, I am not going to say I have been ill free - because I have had a few crazy spider bites and one case of a staff infection (crazy pain there) but starting two days ago I feel really nauseous and I can't keep food down! my throat also feels as if it is closing up and I gag a lot. This is really random. I hate it. Today at work it was interesting...much like a race and mind game to try and make it through each customer I had...as soon as they left I would run to the bathroom. I am a mind over matter person so being sick really erks my tator.
I think I am going to find some mellow music and relax in the dark. There is a band called CocoRosie - very different two songs I would recommend to start off with is
"Terrible Angels" and "Werewolf." I love when I find music that I can write to or that relaxes me. Creative flow is always welcome with me.

I'm a very easy going complex person!

I like to be really simple and easy going. When I enter something though I like to know where it is going and if it is worth trying. This really pertains to my relationships. I have this new "friend". I really like this person because of the conversation and morals that he holds. When I meet someone new I really put a lot into the vibe that I get from them. I really don't like to rush things but like I said I like to have an idea on what direction it's going in and how involved I need to allow myself to be.
Sex...I love it however to me I like to attach sex to something like a relationship...maybe love...Just something that matters. Have I hooked up before? well of course I mean I am a 22 year old guy in DFW what do you expect...That's not what I want though. Ever since I can remember I have always wanted the soul mate or very serious relationship. There is something about having someone that can be your "person" someone that you can always talk to maybe the idea of growing old with someone. The idea is just enticing. Well the new "friend" and I have hung out a lot it has now been a little over a week - which I know isn't a lot but... We have been intimate and all of that but now I struggle with waiting and now allowing myself to get attached or let it go further until I know what the intentions are. Ugh!
Working in the cellphone/sales industry is a bitch. It really is cut throat. I work in an area that is mostly Spanish and it sucks a lot. I really feel that my boss does not like me. I have asked to be transferred numerous times and she refuses to let me...there are stores much closer to my home where it is less of a language barrier. Then recently she moved 2 of my other co workers that are bi lingual...I'm just like are you kidding me? Each month you have that fear of during one on one interviews that consist of 4 people (strange) if it will be your last. I am constantly looking for companies to send my resume to.