Over And Over Again

If you have been around me...you probably know that I have a bad habit of doing
things over and over again. I know what is going to happen...Yet I continue letting these patterns go on. Crazy! I don't know why I do it...I guess there is a name for people like me...they call it addicts or some shit like that.
It is really sad totally off subject...Have you ever craved something (not food or drugs) but craved something sad that most people normally get on a day to day basis. Then when you do get a little hint of that need...you realize how pathetic it is...but yet it feels so good to have it you just think Oh well. You do what you have to do.
I did this recently and while it was happening I realized it and it really made me think.
I am fixing to start making some changes in my life. New living arrangements, new town perhaps, new people in my life...less of some of the old ones. Insane! I am also looking at new jobs. I desperately need a drastic job change that is for the better and not the worse. Any ideas? I really need to just own my own store or be a radio dj but getting there is such a challenge when you are already in a rut.
Anyway...I am off to bed! I am really starting to love sleep. All my life I have ran from it and now it is my new best friend.

Don't Listen To What People Tell You

"I really look at my childhood as being one giant rusty tuna can that I continue to recycle in many different shapes."

While at my aunts home the other night...I found out that my grandmother is now out of the mental hospital. I really struggle with this issue. Naturally I want to call her and see how she is doing and let her know that I'm still here and care for her...but at the same time I have this massive fear that it will break my heart more. My aunt Jennie told me that she didn't think that I should call...My "friend" Tim suggested that I should call...oh what to do?
So being me I slept on it. I thought it over...She is now over 60...getting older. I don't want her to die thinking that nobody cared. So I called. She seemed normal at first...it was great hearing her laugh...then it all went downhill...she was talking to people that weren't there...then she was acting as if I was there with her instead of being on the phone. I eventually ended the call when she asked me if I needed to go. I really hate emotions especially mixed emotions.

My birthday is next week. I look forward to getting older...and moving forward.
However it does make me nervous though that this will be my first birthday without my mom and my grandmother... However I'm sure I will be fine! :)
I really wonder what my life will be like when I am 32! I hope I am by that time accomplished and out of the sales industry. My attitude cracks me up...I'm like customers...shit what do they want now! and it seems they always want to talk to you and they expect you to listen...I have learned though how to keep my head nodding and to through out a smile while I zone to this wonderful fast place.